ahhh... maybe it's easier to mope but whatever

it's really weird to suddenly not be working towards anything. i admit that while not ambitious, i need to achieve things. this is why i often go mad during summers when not working or studying. (but then again, both summer internships in the past drove me nuts too). i also obsess over straight As, but interest and dare i say it, passion, always motivate my choice of classes. and once upon a time back in high school, i even worked out just for the sake of feeling a sense of achievement. gone are those days of total self discipline :P. (i was driven by a system of punishments - no ice cream and $50 deductions in allowance - and reward - ice cream lol).

but lately i don't have any goals. the future lies like a dizzying map of stars, so distant and incomprehensible in its cosmic laws and logic. i'm beginning to lose faith because it seems like i won't get what i want even though we have been working for the past 5 months trying to get it. such perseverance, industry, and moral strength then... ... nothing? why does it have to be this hard? and why do things always seem easier for others? to think about how many applications and essays i've critiqued for others... how many times i set aside my own work to edit another statement on math, biomedical engineering, medicine, environmental science, economics. i really try hard to help my dear friends get into their dream schools and companies. why am i failing now --

i need to learn patience and have faith that things eventually get better. (i know they do. i am just throwing tantrums.) i know i should savour this semester, but part of me just wants to hurry and spend time with you, wherever that may be, because no one inspires me to goodness and wisdom as much as you. compared to you, i'm selfish, immature, vulnerable, impatient, mean. i just want to be around such a person. i'm not in it just for the fun of love, nor for money, pride, or even the security of being in a relationship. you love me the way that i want to be loved, and that is such a rare and beautiful thing.

so what am i saying. well, i'm not really sure. i guess i need some direction. and i need these two weeks to be over and done with.

it's easier to be happy

1. winter vacation has been excellent! i was in england over christmas and new year's. cambridge was graced with a lot of snow which made for very pretty countryside sights, especially along the coach ride out to oxford. first time i saw a frozen river! england was quite cold (in its characteristically wet, dreary way) hence our squirreling behaviours: stocking up on groceries for the whole week, hibernating and h/c-uddling in owstone croft, lots of culinary adventures with what we could pull out of the fridge. some failures, on my part, like the omelette that just wouldn't become an omelette. why are eggs so difficult? poaching, frying, omeletting them requires not only patience, meticulous attention, quick reflexes, but also courage... you need courage to flip over the eggy mixture. of course there were many successes too (roast duck!), mainly thanks to his culinary instincts and creativity.

2. at home, i have been spending lots of time with my very funny mom, making lots of japanese-themed food with her on afternoons. and behold! our okonomiyaki (japanese pancake). i love mayonnaise...

we also made a lot of jellies this week to go with red bean pastes, homemade tang yuan-like dumplings, and tinned peaches and pineapples yummy :).

sigh my mom is just hilarious. her imagination seems to exceed mine - well, i like to think that we're both very imaginative in a cartoony way but the other day she said that my light weight is good for the environment because it means i will not crush as many innocent flowers and grassy patches when i tread on the earth?! okay it's not as funny when i transcribe this into english.


3. APPLICATIONS ARE OVER!!! oh that feels good. not going to worry too much about the results (yet). i'm trying to keep my mind flexible; whatever happens, will happen, and i'll deal with it once it happens to me, instead of wasting my days fearing about uncertainties.

4. going out for chilli crab tonight with my parents!

5. i'm happy with my body. life becomes easier when we focus on the good stuff, and when we stop using negative language when talking about our own bodies. i know this is a sensitive topic for many, but i think it's worth emphasizing that in spite of all the imperfections you may see in the mirror, you probably have a thousand things to be thankful for... that lovely skin, those eyes, that hair, those legs, those knees, that perfect smile, those hands, that stomach, those ankles! and believe me the people worth knowing are those who will see you as that beautiful person.

and if you must know, i choose my friends based on their looks so if you're my friend, you are beautiful / handsome. (i'm serious about the latter.)

7. the spring semester starts on wednesday! my english professor has already assigned readings for the first meeting, which means i have to buy the books on wednesday morning (i arrive on tuesday night) and start reading right away for the 3 pm class.

so that's about it :). life is good~

a favourite, something i've always wanted to post!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0mqYL1Bf8cs

i listen to this when i'm in need of inspiration, solace, and direction. it has a way of calming me down and taking me out of my own perspective. it doesn't promise cheer but it does clarify, or set into new relation, one's problems in relation to something else... which could be religious as Foreman believes or it could just be spiritual. melodically the song suggests wallowing, but if you listen carefully it encourages otherwise :).

actually during the harder months last year i listened to this every day for comfort. music has a way of understanding and saying without saying with words, what people cannot. sometimes this alienates us but i wonder how bad it can be to be temporarily alienated and have space to just sit quietly for a little while.

anyway i've been listening to this tonight just because it motivates me to work! get through this period! because this is all so, so, easy really. :) tomorrow's goals: jap revision, outline of paper, and 5 pages.

new bed! and other updates

health and sanity: my new mattress arrived today! i was testing it out just now and almost fell asleep. it's a bit short lengthwise (now half wishing i had bought queen size), but oh well i should probably not spoil myself with too luxurious a bed at the tender age of 21. anyway i am really happy that from tonight onwards i can sleep safely without worrying about bites.

work: 2/5 university applications done. i'm reconsidering the whole phd thing, but will still apply earnestly :). finals are mostly papers... 30 more pages to go, and jap final+presentation.

thinking: about spring semester classes. i'm considering taking only 3, because this semester i definitely lapsed into selfishly and zealously hoarding my time. i've dropped all my volunteer and literary stuff, and have not exercised in goodness knows how long. i might take 4 but do a completely different 4th class... like jazz and american culture! looking up music courses just now which is a bit ironic because in high school, gcse music and flute used to stress me out a lot but lately i have begun to miss the therapy of music. (P.S. my cognitive science professor says that listening to classical music before taking exams improves your performance. somehow i believe in this hypothesis given that the structures underlying classical music provoke anticipation of certain harmonies and structures in your brain. so you know what to do: listen to that Chopin before your final!!)

fun: it awaits on the 21st december when all papers are done. i'm looking forward to seeing what an English Christmas is like. proper choral Christmas carols! bleak wintry days with steaming milk tea and biscuits. and then singapore! it'll be soo good to see my parents again. and swim in the sun. :)

heart: happy once again. i'm very grateful to friends who have a knack of expressing faith in me when i have lost faith in myself. i'm especially grateful to ws and my mom for putting up with my bouts of psychological and moral weakness... and whom bear the brunt of it. but no one should bear the brunt of anyone else's obtuseness. so i resolve to be better. last week was silly, particularly because i KNEW why i was feeling what i was feeling, and because i knew it was really nothing significant compared to past trials and lows. so yeah, resolve to be a good girl...

want to go home

it's easy to be happy sometimes, but in this case, it's easier to be miserable. i want someone to solve my problems for me and i want to go home. i don't really care about anything at the moment. even graduate school applications are starting to seem less important; i've been thinking for awhile that maybe i'm not cut out for academic anyway. i just want to get better and to solve the bug problem because rest is my only consolation, therapy for physical and psychological fatigue.

i hate that you can't solve my problems, and i hate that i am angry with you.

i should have stayed in providence over thanksgiving to handle my work and applications and just rested. oh well it's so typical that we have to learn our lessons the hard way.