a favourite, something i've always wanted to post!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0mqYL1Bf8cs

i listen to this when i'm in need of inspiration, solace, and direction. it has a way of calming me down and taking me out of my own perspective. it doesn't promise cheer but it does clarify, or set into new relation, one's problems in relation to something else... which could be religious as Foreman believes or it could just be spiritual. melodically the song suggests wallowing, but if you listen carefully it encourages otherwise :).

actually during the harder months last year i listened to this every day for comfort. music has a way of understanding and saying without saying with words, what people cannot. sometimes this alienates us but i wonder how bad it can be to be temporarily alienated and have space to just sit quietly for a little while.

anyway i've been listening to this tonight just because it motivates me to work! get through this period! because this is all so, so, easy really. :) tomorrow's goals: jap revision, outline of paper, and 5 pages.

new bed! and other updates

health and sanity: my new mattress arrived today! i was testing it out just now and almost fell asleep. it's a bit short lengthwise (now half wishing i had bought queen size), but oh well i should probably not spoil myself with too luxurious a bed at the tender age of 21. anyway i am really happy that from tonight onwards i can sleep safely without worrying about bites.

work: 2/5 university applications done. i'm reconsidering the whole phd thing, but will still apply earnestly :). finals are mostly papers... 30 more pages to go, and jap final+presentation.

thinking: about spring semester classes. i'm considering taking only 3, because this semester i definitely lapsed into selfishly and zealously hoarding my time. i've dropped all my volunteer and literary stuff, and have not exercised in goodness knows how long. i might take 4 but do a completely different 4th class... like jazz and american culture! looking up music courses just now which is a bit ironic because in high school, gcse music and flute used to stress me out a lot but lately i have begun to miss the therapy of music. (P.S. my cognitive science professor says that listening to classical music before taking exams improves your performance. somehow i believe in this hypothesis given that the structures underlying classical music provoke anticipation of certain harmonies and structures in your brain. so you know what to do: listen to that Chopin before your final!!)

fun: it awaits on the 21st december when all papers are done. i'm looking forward to seeing what an English Christmas is like. proper choral Christmas carols! bleak wintry days with steaming milk tea and biscuits. and then singapore! it'll be soo good to see my parents again. and swim in the sun. :)

heart: happy once again. i'm very grateful to friends who have a knack of expressing faith in me when i have lost faith in myself. i'm especially grateful to ws and my mom for putting up with my bouts of psychological and moral weakness... and whom bear the brunt of it. but no one should bear the brunt of anyone else's obtuseness. so i resolve to be better. last week was silly, particularly because i KNEW why i was feeling what i was feeling, and because i knew it was really nothing significant compared to past trials and lows. so yeah, resolve to be a good girl...

want to go home

it's easy to be happy sometimes, but in this case, it's easier to be miserable. i want someone to solve my problems for me and i want to go home. i don't really care about anything at the moment. even graduate school applications are starting to seem less important; i've been thinking for awhile that maybe i'm not cut out for academic anyway. i just want to get better and to solve the bug problem because rest is my only consolation, therapy for physical and psychological fatigue.

i hate that you can't solve my problems, and i hate that i am angry with you.

i should have stayed in providence over thanksgiving to handle my work and applications and just rested. oh well it's so typical that we have to learn our lessons the hard way.