in Tokyo now!

tadaima!!
that's what the japanese say when they return home (and in reply, the family says, "okaeri"). well i'm not home, but i'm going for my weekend homestay in Ina-shi tomorrow! excited, but i think i'm more nervous about the Japanese conversations and basically just fitting in with the family. unfortunately there are no kids, only a young couple and their dog, which i find a slightly strange configuration for a homestay family.

so i disappeared for a long while because i was in Hong Kong with my primitive dial-up internet, and then in Kamogawa, where we had limited access to internet in the seminar house. we got quite close to everyone else because there was literally only a convenience store, a beach, and some mountains, and a small mall to venture off to outside the seminar house. we also had a strict schedule of meals and ofuro (the communal baths) times. breakfast was at 7:30 am, lunch at 12 noon, and dinner at 6. if you came late by 15 minutes you wouldn't be served any food. apart from that...in our free time we played badminton/tennis/table tennis, cards, and oh crikey, Mafia.

anyway, i'm in Tokyo now at the main Waseda University campus. so far i haven't explored that much but i plan to go out a lot more often next week after the homestay...to shop at Shinjuku, Shibuya, Harajuku and go see Akihabara and Asakusa (and hopefully go to Disneyland? :) ). going out in Japan requires a lot of self discipline cuz everything looks so pretty and kawaii (or yummy, if it's food). and of course there's the izakayas, which are cheaper than those in Hong Kong, and karaoke! <-- the prices aren't bad, but too bad i'm not very good at singing. a lot of the other girls in the program are really impressive though - one of them even sings opera.

okay well i will post photos some other time! gotta start packing and getting ready for homestay (i.e. review all the kimarimonku, or set phrases, and wrap my gifts.)

when all else fails

i have now taken to exercise when i get all crabby and antsy (ohhh two animal-y adjectives. that was accidental!) everyone knows me as the person who doesn't work out, and this is partly true because:
a) i'm REALLY lazy and
b) compared to everybody else, my athletic commitments (which are nonexistent in college) are pathetic.
oh...and why is it that most of my friends are either absurdly talented in dance or sport, or are the type that go running 3 miles no problem?

so it has been a lot more sweat and sun for me these few weeks. i don't know why it has taken me so long to realize the benefits of working out. i've always known that endorphins can be addictive and sweating, cathartic (haha, as propounded by tn almost everyday at brown), but i guess i always had things like food and friends to make me feel better :P. food i have plenty of here in singapore, but friends...ah friends...

nowadays when i miss people i resort to running to the gym or tennis courts or pool to work out until i cheer up. summer just doesn't feel quite the same when most people are working, travelling, or not coming back for the holiday. or if they live on different continents. blasted americans.

anyway, i shall not dwell on the clouds. there are upsides to this weird coping mechanism. i have rediscovered the joy of tennis. and i feel good about getting back on the treadmill...ah wait, there is no "back" for i have always avoided the darn thing. :D well not anymore!

rephrase

it's funny how tweaking words here and there makes everything less scary. i feel a lot better about it all. :) i guess i just need to just blurt all the yucky, somewhat latent feelings from time to time to confirm my decisions. (and have others reassure me) weak. as st's male alter-ego would bellow.

totally screwed for take-home english final because of incredibly long 7 hour conversation with kp. but...instead of complaining i will persevere, and join the "done"-minions soon enough...

:(

i am dreading saturday and wondering how the hell i'm going to leave this place. all the vague, far flung ideals about academics and challenges and new challenges are just rhetoric... ...easy to say but hard to believe in. rt has always cautioned pursuit of ideals that are of the past; i really hope i haven't done that in this instance because the losses are just looming higher and higher with each day of happiness and love.

it's so unhealthy to anticipate bad stuff, but i can't help it. i don't want to go home just yet...i want one more year of brown so badly but i've made my decision and just keep hoping that i'll be somehow surprised, and rewarded for this leap in faith, but it just...sucks. there's no other word to describe it. why why why. watashi no sei dake.

lowly, i say

i can't focus anymore. i'm slacking off in all classes (what reading period?! still have english seminar next tuesday), i mix up the two study abroad meetings and miss the important Britain-specific one, i'm sleeping at terrible hours, my comp lit essay is a joke, my grades are falling (goodbye cambridge-worthy gpa...hey maybe they'll reject me over the summer) and i have the sad piano theme of densha-otoko stuck in my head.

yesterday i said goodbye to keiko-san. she's moving back to japan with her husband. i feel terrible; it was probably the first time i said goodbye (for good) to someone that i do want to see again. there were things to be said, formalities - but i wanted to say so much more than my limited japanese skills could allow. and now i still want to write more about it, but how does one recapture those conversations, the language of which i don't even remember?

~~~~~~
i just got back from en's room. kp, tn and i visited cuz he broke his leg yesterday. since he's returning home for surgery tomorrow, we said our warm goodbyes. there was a moment of panic surging through me when i thought that if he was leaving for the summer, and i was going to be away for junior year, then it'd be our last meeting. then i remembered that we are both sophomores, so there's still senior year.

but then kp looked at me and i realized that the panic was yet to come, and now everything has just collapsed into itself.