the heart of the matter

(a book LJ mentioned recently, also a song by Don Henley and covered by india arie)
i have always thought that disillusionment was just some fancy cliche, and was never truly empathetic when people claimed that they were 'disillusioned' about something or the other. in my mind, the word itself exacerbated and sometimes even created that tension between two modes of thinking/feeling/being (usually described as naivete and maturity).

we will all grow up some day, and most of the time that doesn't happen suddenly and discretely like flying bars on some graph. okay what i mean is that the process of growing up is fluid and less stable than people often make it out to be. just because we 'get' one thing doesn't mean we automatically understand all things related to that one fact of life: some people make for fantastic friends but are poor daughters or sons. some are great at being in a relationship, but can't extend the same warmth to friends.

what scares me most is the fragility of love, the strongest, most steadfast of emotions. i understand that passion is tamed over time - that i accept as being inevitable. but love? my lack of experience makes me unable to imagine no longer loving someone given that there is no betrayal or hatred. i don't understand how one just wakes up one morning and thinks, well, the past few years have been great but i think i've had enough of this love. sure, physiologically we are bound to get bored and not just feel much after years of habituation (to the other's touch, smell, etc) but i still don't get how we are able to just walk away from relationships. but i guess a life without passion is an incomplete life...

the only times i have stopped loving someone is when they betrayed me. i hope i am lucky enough to never have to fall out love.