i never thought that the day would come when i would want to surrender to academics.
sometimes i wonder if i am just an impostor because i certainly feel like one here, sometimes. deep down i know that i could do it if i tried really really hard, but... maybe i don't want to? maybe i haven't found the reasons to justify that kind of effort. it is so hard to go from big fish in small pond to small fish in HUGE sea of towering, crashing black waves. since high school, i have slowly been carried off by currents from the pond to the lake to the sea, but it was always okay, i just kept on swimming and somehow managed to stay afloat. i told myself that i was still good even if i didn't have a 4.0 GPA, even if i did not write an honours thesis. i had the praise of all my English professors who expected great things and perhaps that just kept me going... the Idea. the idea that i was blessed with the unification of passion and ability. now i'm not so sure. this essay is driving me nuts... i know what it should be, but i can't quite get there. i don't know how long it will take me. (i only have 'til 15 December though.) but i know that if i don't do this properly, i will never be able to think of myself in the same way again...
some people are able to accept mediocrity, but i just can't accept that i cannot do this.
2 comments:
keep trying you'll get there eventually. :)
hopefully! :)
-stitch
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