do we always have to choose...

... between doing something we love doing, and doing something for something we love?

i really hate thinking about jobs because ideally i'd like to be in love with my job and still get paid well for it, but so far it's been a little tricky to find a positions that fits both categories. i'm aware that maybe the problem lies with me not knowing what i am interested in doing. if you haven't tried something, how do you know whether you will like/dislike it?

there is so much buzz over big companies and corporate careers; understandably so, but i wish some of us would stop equating corporate careers with happiness and career success. (sidenote: i HATE the word stability. it's the kind of word which shuts up the critic - who's going to argue against lack of conflict? - and it actually stops you thinking about what you really want. which, doesn't necessarily equate to instability, by the way.) it's not that i'm not open to these options (getting in is an entirely separate question); i just wish that we would stop deeming anything outside of this particular sphere as less intellectually stimulating or rewarding.

i used to think those who gave up their true interests for a banking/consulting career were "selling out", but now i realise that one has many priorities in life, and you're not selling out if you value the higher salary over doing interesting things in your day-to-day responsibilities. and then there are those who genuinely like their work because of its particular challenges. and then there's the prestige. nothing wrong with prestige.

i'm just not sure if i can be one of those who help make the rich, even richer. on a similar vein, i'm leaving academics because i don't know if i can help those who are already specialised in obscure studies become more specialised in even obscurer research! i feel bad enough that this year i have been isolated within my academics, without having contributed to the community around me. i realise that the more one gets into something, the more focused and narrowed our vision becomes. it's inevitable; and when we walk through the streets and see ordinary people struggle in their material lives, we think, well, that's them, or, i'll try to help out eventually, but for now, me, me me.

the UWC student within me is still there, and it yells with frustration when it reads about all the injustices of the world, about the Palestine/Israel conflict, about the poor and disabled in Singapore, about women anywhere, everywhere. but yelling inside isn't enough and i don't act on these feelings (apart from engaging in online arguments with the bigots out there). i'm reminded of a corny line from Batman Begins when Rachel (Katie Holmes) tells Bruce Wayne (Christian Bale) that it's not who we are inside that matters, but what we do. she's totally right. these days people have become very good at talk, but no one is brave, selfless, or passionate enough to get out there and walk.

i wish that those working for the betterment of human lives were rewarded more monetarily, for they deserve it.

this post doesn't really have a point... it's just a string of contemplations that have surfaced in my mind over the past months. i'm not trying to come to any conclusions, make any decisions. i think i need a lot more time to see for myself what is out there and figure out where i'd want to be in the next year or so. i just wanted to write this now so that i have a record of my current feelings and thoughts. maybe i should even do what marshall does in How I Met Your Mother and write a letter to my future self.

end of post. back to dissertation.