life at cambridge: week one

the past seven days have gone by like a cross between a dream and a nightmare.

when i feel safe and strong, i look out of my attic windows and smile at the chapel spires, the immaculate green, the cloisters of Old Court, thinking to myself - if anything, i should feel blessed that i can study at a place so steeped with history and culture. Pembroke College is extremely pretty: our courtyards lack the regal, imposing feel of Trinity and St. John; they're more of the comfortable, garden tea-party kind. also, i'm amazed that some of the great poets studied at Pembroke - Thomas Gray, Ted Hughes, Spenser - and i guess i shouldn't take that history for granted.

there are so many quirky traditions here, all of which i've just accepted/half-embraced. no walking on greens. early dinners unless you go to formal hall. a heck of a lot of alcohol during formal meals (you get a different one to accompany each course, so champagne with the appetiser, red with the main, and port with the dessert and coffee). lots of port in old fashioned decanters (and i thought those things were only found in the His Dark Materials books!!). the whole town of cambridge shutting down at 7 pm. not having to go to lectures or class. gowns over your fancy clothes in hall. standing up in hall when the fellows enter to dine at the High Table. (there is a lot of hierarchy here...like we have a senior butler, Salvino, who is our sort of ally and gestures to let us know when to stand and sit and take leave, and then all these other waiters/waitresses in hall that follow his orders...) i actually live right above the Hall, which is a little weird but very convenient.

so i guess that's the dream part of it...the beauty of cambridge, the constant tea drinking and biscuit nibbling. the meeting of people exponentially smarter than you. it's very humbling. :) i'm quite freaked out about my Practical Criticism supervision with some of the 2nd years this afternoon. they all look so put together with their hard-cover diaries, dissertation papers, pens and english-y coats...sigh well we shall see what happens.

and the nightmare bit? well, the intense loneliness, the lack of friends (except for Ritz, who's been a total star in looking out for me), the sense of not fitting in anywhere, the lack of structured time. i'll try not to fall into some self-fulfilling prophecy...i have been trying hard to meet a lot of people and establish at least a list of contacts. i guess the people here are quite different, and navigating the asian groups is even trickier.

coming here has made me value friendship, family, company, sun, hot food, nice showers even more. especially friends!! i've always known that i had the most amazing of friends, but i now feel even more fortunate when i reflect on my relatively easy transition into Brown. a lot of things are due to pure serendipity, as everyone has been saying to me. i guess i'm praying for some sort of magical encounter here - in the shape of a friend, a phone call, a conversation.

i know i owe it to myself and to a lot of other people to persist. at the moment, it's just difficult for me to be truly optimistic...i find myself walking around sometimes crying on the inside because i'm so consumed by uncertainty and loneliness. but i guess if anything, this was a much-needed crash course in true independence. and i'll try to focus on staying happy and healthy...haha nowadays, a conversation with a stranger at the dinner table is a lifeline, a sunny day, a miracle!