ahhh... maybe it's easier to mope but whatever

it's really weird to suddenly not be working towards anything. i admit that while not ambitious, i need to achieve things. this is why i often go mad during summers when not working or studying. (but then again, both summer internships in the past drove me nuts too). i also obsess over straight As, but interest and dare i say it, passion, always motivate my choice of classes. and once upon a time back in high school, i even worked out just for the sake of feeling a sense of achievement. gone are those days of total self discipline :P. (i was driven by a system of punishments - no ice cream and $50 deductions in allowance - and reward - ice cream lol).

but lately i don't have any goals. the future lies like a dizzying map of stars, so distant and incomprehensible in its cosmic laws and logic. i'm beginning to lose faith because it seems like i won't get what i want even though we have been working for the past 5 months trying to get it. such perseverance, industry, and moral strength then... ... nothing? why does it have to be this hard? and why do things always seem easier for others? to think about how many applications and essays i've critiqued for others... how many times i set aside my own work to edit another statement on math, biomedical engineering, medicine, environmental science, economics. i really try hard to help my dear friends get into their dream schools and companies. why am i failing now --

i need to learn patience and have faith that things eventually get better. (i know they do. i am just throwing tantrums.) i know i should savour this semester, but part of me just wants to hurry and spend time with you, wherever that may be, because no one inspires me to goodness and wisdom as much as you. compared to you, i'm selfish, immature, vulnerable, impatient, mean. i just want to be around such a person. i'm not in it just for the fun of love, nor for money, pride, or even the security of being in a relationship. you love me the way that i want to be loved, and that is such a rare and beautiful thing.

so what am i saying. well, i'm not really sure. i guess i need some direction. and i need these two weeks to be over and done with.