long weekend love

Providence was graced with beautiful, almost-spring like temperatures this weekend so naturally, i was very very happy throughout. i spent a lot of time by myself cooking, reading, writing, baking, walking around in the sun. it was DELIGHTFUL. even better than the sophomore year spring break i spent alone on campus. simple living! - college students just don't know how good they have it.

and now it's back to academics... rehearsed jp presentation for two hours today, crazy. i hope it goes well. my partner and i are doing a dialogue on euthanasia, of all things. (the other topics were cloning, the mysteries or meaning of life, genetic engineering, artificial insemination, surrogate mothers... lol) also, i just checked the calendar and realized that i have a big essay coming up this week. will try to work hard and enjoy it.

i half want to delete all those depressing entries below, but i think that deleting them would make all those feelings less worthy, less genuine. we should always affirm our feelings, and try not to feel guilty or ashamed of them even when they take us to far flung, irrational expanses of human thought and emotion. i guess it's enough for me to say that i've moved on, and i'm happy about it. this semester's going to be good :).

a long thursday entry, on many things

i realized this afternoon that i've never received a rejection letter before, and i half wish that i could be roused to feel something - disappointment or frustration - towards UCLA, but i seemingly can't! this feeling of calm indifference is empowering but i wonder if it is speciously so.

i am also beginning to realize that if i'm so half-hearted about grad school, i don't really deserve a place. there are some things one does with heart. and then there are some things one does with half a heart, but more with brain and reflexes. if i have been going along, choosing grad school out of fear of having to navigate through the universe of choices otherwise, then i hope that someone will soon knock this telescope out of my hand so that i can broaden my imaginative scope and vision.

人地的幸福，我为佢地开心，但係我都同时有小小妒忌，自己在諗，點解我地要克服咁多，點解其他人可以咁容易一齊。可以安慰我的答案係：因为经过这个阶段係必须的，经过了之后我地会更加坚强。 because i feel worst when i compare myself to others. when other people constantly ask me about certain things... while they do not mean to make me feel bad, their questions and superficial reassurances are hard to swallow.

of course it's easy for you to say that it's going to be okay. (the "you" here by the way is not directed to anyone who reads this blog. i try not to do this in blogs but i am so bewildered by a recent friend's behaviour - hence this.)
you don't know half of what it is really like. and you know, at least when i try to reassure others, i try to be sensitive and imagine their fears before just saying things.
i certainly don't just contact people to find out some news, then withdraw contact after having satisfied that curiosity (and after having *lied* about why i was contacting you in the first place)!! i try to keep in touch with you, offer for you to visit, but you are not truly interested... you seem only interested when it involves both our boyfriends =_= which is just bizarre in itself.

sorry guys, rant over. i think too much crap has been building up over the past few weeks, so this blog is quickly becoming more morose/frustrated that i had ever intended it to be. but i am definitely feeling better today because a) i had steak for dinner with Ad, b) i am proud of myself for how i resolved a falling-out with a dear friend this week, c) i like my classes :). finally learning about american politics! i feel guilty for having neglected the study of america until now. oh and d) LJ bestowed me with a pillow this afternoon; i hope Ophelia will not be jealous now that i will replace her with a proper pillow.

going to be stronger

it's ironic that the supposedly most relaxing of semesters has thus far been the most psychologically taxing (and it's only week 1). but i think i'm finding my way through the muddle with each day, and well, when one hits near rock bottom, the only way to go is up~

sidenote -- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=93jxkqG0gWc
the track 'Married Life' from Disney/Pixar's Up!

i am learning to deal with my fears, to face uncertainty with an open mind. there is no single path to stability, happiness or success. if our endeavors are not successful this time around, there will be other roads and doors; we just have to remind ourselves that with time, it will all make sense. i am not alone; but even in times when i feel most alone, i need to be able to tolerate and even take delight in that solitude.

thankfully certain people are also actively helping me. i am grateful to Rt for her long-distance calls this past week; i think i needed an old friend, someone who knows me like the back of her own hand and someone who also knows WS, to reassure me. i am forever grateful to WS for his strength, generosity of spirit and love, and emotional maturity. and i am grateful beyond words to my mom who can make me feel better about anything.

all of that stuff aside, this semester is going to be more relaxed in terms of classes. there is more to life than learning :P! am taking City Politics, an English seminar on Herman Melville, and Japanese. i like the variety: one HUGE lecture class taught by a brilliantly engaging professor, one small intimate sit-around-a-square-and-talk-about-melville for 2.5 hrs class, and the happy, familiar camaraderie of a language course :). <-- Tn rejoined jap - such courage after a 1.5 year 'hiatus'! it's been great having her there. it's our last undergraduate semester, so ganbarimasu~