a long thursday entry, on many things

i realized this afternoon that i've never received a rejection letter before, and i half wish that i could be roused to feel something - disappointment or frustration - towards UCLA, but i seemingly can't! this feeling of calm indifference is empowering but i wonder if it is speciously so.

i am also beginning to realize that if i'm so half-hearted about grad school, i don't really deserve a place. there are some things one does with heart. and then there are some things one does with half a heart, but more with brain and reflexes. if i have been going along, choosing grad school out of fear of having to navigate through the universe of choices otherwise, then i hope that someone will soon knock this telescope out of my hand so that i can broaden my imaginative scope and vision.

人地的幸福，我为佢地开心，但係我都同时有小小妒忌，自己在諗，點解我地要克服咁多，點解其他人可以咁容易一齊。可以安慰我的答案係：因为经过这个阶段係必须的，经过了之后我地会更加坚强。 because i feel worst when i compare myself to others. when other people constantly ask me about certain things... while they do not mean to make me feel bad, their questions and superficial reassurances are hard to swallow.

of course it's easy for you to say that it's going to be okay. (the "you" here by the way is not directed to anyone who reads this blog. i try not to do this in blogs but i am so bewildered by a recent friend's behaviour - hence this.)
you don't know half of what it is really like. and you know, at least when i try to reassure others, i try to be sensitive and imagine their fears before just saying things.
i certainly don't just contact people to find out some news, then withdraw contact after having satisfied that curiosity (and after having *lied* about why i was contacting you in the first place)!! i try to keep in touch with you, offer for you to visit, but you are not truly interested... you seem only interested when it involves both our boyfriends =_= which is just bizarre in itself.

sorry guys, rant over. i think too much crap has been building up over the past few weeks, so this blog is quickly becoming more morose/frustrated that i had ever intended it to be. but i am definitely feeling better today because a) i had steak for dinner with Ad, b) i am proud of myself for how i resolved a falling-out with a dear friend this week, c) i like my classes :). finally learning about american politics! i feel guilty for having neglected the study of america until now. oh and d) LJ bestowed me with a pillow this afternoon; i hope Ophelia will not be jealous now that i will replace her with a proper pillow.